After such drab topics (no disrespect to RR and DB) lately, I decided I needed to do something a little light hearted. As it would happen, today I informed a “hockey fan” friend of mine that the Winnipeg Jets are, in fact, back in existence. Sorry to let that cat outta the bag, folks! As a generally long-winded individual (it’s the English major in me) I decided to challenge myself: write an off-season update for every team in the NHL using the constraints of Twitter ( <140 characters). So that, even if you lived under a rock after the Bruins won the Cup (gave that bad boy away too!), you WILL be ready when training camps start in one month (Flyers will be two days in!) So, in the words of Bud Light “Here we go”…
Anaheim Ducks: Perry is NHL MVP, Ryan lives in Idaho, Getzlaf keeps getting balder, Teemu threatens to retire again (won’t!), A. Gordon raises cute factor
Atlanta Thrashers: Now Winnipeg Jets 2.0 but still in Southeast division. Couldn’t Nashville have just moved? Moulson emblem ripoff
Boston Bruins: Won the cup, got bad tattoos, Seguin drinks underage, ESPN agrees Thomas is GOD, lost almost NO players in off-season
Buffalo Sabres: STOLE Leino, Roy has a sweet house
Calgary Flames: Rumored to want Mike Green but still don’t have him, pick up Hannan
Carolina Hurricanes: #1 Rookie in Skinner, re-sign LaRose, pick up Kaberle, A.Stewart = most excited new Cane, which he reminds Twitter EVERYDAY!
Chicago Blackhawks: Kaner Shuffle, Toews butt-pat, gf, and SCREW YOU!, Joey’s back!, pick up Carcillo, Burnette, O’Donnell & LEPISTO!
Colorado Avalanche: snag Varlamov between pipes, Foote retires, yoink Landeskog in the draft (#2), Duchene fishes… a lot
Columbus Blue Jackets: Wud up, Carts?, add the Wiz Kid, bye Uppy and half the team, ripped pecs (literally), how many guys we need to play?
Dallas Stars: I…. got nothing. (Hey! No news is good news!)
Detroit Red Wings: Lindstrom wins Norris again (4-peat?), Rafalski and Draper and Osgood retire (oh my!), pick up Conklin between pipes
Edmonton Oilers: #1 draft pick again, battle of first pick horse faces, Smyth comes crawling back, bye bye Cogliano, Jonesy still hilarious
Florida Panthers: We’ll take ’em all! Upshall, Campbell, Versteeg, Bergenheim, Bradley, Goc, Kopecky, Yonkman, Theodore – Come on down!
Los Angeles Kings: Flyers West – Richards (MY CREYS!) and Gagne, Brown builds a deck shirtless, Kopitar’s ankle is fixed, still haven’t signed Doughty
Minnesota Wild: Lose Burns and Havlat, get Setoguchi and Heatly in return, NHL Draft locale, Can I get a defenseman? maybe 2?, still gonna have sell out crowds
Montreal Canadiens: We’ll take E. Cole!, Pacioretty forgives Chara, 25 Stanley all up in their business
Nashville Predators: Paying Weber the green, Tootoo gets in touch with his Eskimo roots and posts it all over Twitter… bear prints in the snow and all!
New Jersey Devils: Welcome back, Parise! Take our money!, new coach, new captain (maybe?), Zajac injured in training, Brodeur STILL won’t retire, good draft
New York Islanders: No new arena, GREAT draft pick in Strome, Grabner globe trots
New York Rangers: “Win” B. Richards, Drury bought out/retires, Staal vs. Callahan for “C”, both get married, Dubinsky shaves the kiddie-toucher stache, R.I.P. Boogey
Ottawa Senators: Pick up Konopka… you need more fighters? 1st round draft pick was Mika Zibanejad … say that name 10 x fast!
Philadelphia Flyers: Bye Richards/Carter/Powe/Carcillo/O’Donnell/Leino/Versteeg/Boucher/ Hi Jagr/Bryzgalov$$$/B. Schenn/Simmonds/Talbot/Lilja/Voracek, Dry Island
Phoenix Coyotes: Lose Bryzgalov (Why you heff to be mad?) , add Chipchura, B. Gordon, Torres, Smith between pipes, Biz still chirps and tweets
Pittsburgh Penguins: Bye Talbot – fans rebel, Sid’s still concussed but #1 selling jersey, Malkin’s knee is chewed but working,
San Jose Sharks: Extend Setoguchi contract, trade him next day, get Burns/Havlat/Handzus/C. White, McGinn and Couture share bro hug heard ’round the world
St. Louis Blues: Say goodbye to Janssen, Arnott and Langenbrunner reunited, Oshie trains in MN again, Perron still seeing stars,
Tampa Bay Lightning: Stamkos for 5 more, St. Louis = Nicest guy in NHL, Pick up Tom Pyatt, Gervais, Picard, Gilroy, Shannon, Ritola, Nate-o gets new tooth
Toronto Maple Leafs: Take half the Preds, let go of the Miraculous Brenter, this is our year, right?
Vancouver Canucks: Can’t spell Selke without Kesler, licked wounds, got stitched up, no major trades, Rest in Peace, Rick Rypien.
Washington Capitals: Sign Brouwer/Ward/Hamrlik/Vokoun,Halpern’s back,Carlson plays soccer,Green in loafers/cowboy hats all summer,Ovi tweets about chicken wings
There you have it! I’m sure I’ll edit it about 20 times this weekend. Feel free to comment things I missed/were more important. I want a comprehensive list 😉