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If I was to tweet this: NHL Updates in 140 characters or less!

After such drab topics (no disrespect to RR and DB) lately, I decided I needed to do something a little light hearted. As it would happen, today I informed a “hockey fan” friend of mine that the Winnipeg Jets are, in fact, back in existence. Sorry to let that cat outta the bag, folks! As a generally long-winded individual (it’s the English major in me) I decided to challenge myself: write an off-season update for every team in the NHL using the constraints of Twitter ( <140 characters). So that, even if you lived under a rock after the Bruins won the Cup (gave that bad boy away too!), you WILL be ready when training camps start in one month (Flyers will be two days in!) So, in the words of Bud Light “Here we go”…

Anaheim Ducks: Perry is NHL MVP, Ryan lives in Idaho, Getzlaf keeps getting balder, Teemu threatens to retire again (won’t!), A. Gordon raises cute factor

Atlanta Thrashers: Now Winnipeg Jets 2.0 but still in Southeast division. Couldn’t Nashville have just moved? Moulson emblem ripoff

Boston Bruins: Won the cup, got bad tattoos, Seguin drinks underage, ESPN agrees Thomas is GOD, lost almost NO players in off-season

Buffalo Sabres: STOLE Leino, Roy has a sweet house

Calgary Flames: Rumored to want Mike Green but still don’t have him, pick up Hannan

Carolina Hurricanes: #1 Rookie in Skinner, re-sign LaRose, pick up Kaberle, A.Stewart = most excited new Cane, which he reminds Twitter EVERYDAY!

Chicago Blackhawks: Kaner Shuffle, Toews butt-pat, gf, and SCREW YOU!, Joey’s back!, pick up Carcillo, Burnette, O’Donnell & LEPISTO!

Colorado Avalanche: snag Varlamov between pipes, Foote retires, yoink Landeskog in the draft (#2), Duchene fishes… a lot

Columbus Blue Jackets: Wud up, Carts?, add the Wiz Kid, bye Uppy and half the team, ripped pecs (literally), how many guys we need to play?

Dallas Stars: I…. got nothing. (Hey! No news is good news!)

Detroit Red Wings: Lindstrom wins Norris again (4-peat?), Rafalski and Draper and Osgood retire (oh my!), pick up Conklin between pipes

Edmonton Oilers: #1 draft pick again, battle of first pick horse faces, Smyth comes crawling back, bye bye Cogliano, Jonesy still hilarious

Florida Panthers: We’ll take ’em all! Upshall, Campbell, Versteeg, Bergenheim, Bradley, Goc, Kopecky, Yonkman, Theodore – Come on down!

Los Angeles Kings: Flyers West – Richards (MY CREYS!) and Gagne, Brown builds a deck shirtless, Kopitar’s ankle is fixed, still haven’t signed Doughty

Minnesota Wild: Lose Burns and Havlat, get Setoguchi and Heatly in return, NHL Draft locale, Can I get a defenseman? maybe 2?, still gonna have sell out crowds

Montreal Canadiens: We’ll take E. Cole!, Pacioretty forgives Chara, 25 Stanley all up in their business

Nashville Predators: Paying Weber the green, Tootoo gets in touch with his Eskimo roots and posts it all over Twitter… bear prints in the snow and all!

New Jersey Devils: Welcome back, Parise! Take our money!, new coach, new captain (maybe?), Zajac injured in training, Brodeur STILL won’t retire, good draft

New York Islanders: No new arena, GREAT draft pick in Strome, Grabner globe trots

New York Rangers: “Win” B. Richards, Drury bought out/retires, Staal vs. Callahan for “C”, both get married, Dubinsky shaves the kiddie-toucher stache, R.I.P. Boogey

Ottawa Senators: Pick up Konopka… you need more fighters? 1st round  draft pick was Mika Zibanejad … say that name 10 x fast!

Philadelphia Flyers: Bye Richards/Carter/Powe/Carcillo/O’Donnell/Leino/Versteeg/Boucher/ Hi Jagr/Bryzgalov$$$/B. Schenn/Simmonds/Talbot/Lilja/Voracek, Dry Island

Phoenix Coyotes: Lose Bryzgalov (Why you heff to be mad?) , add Chipchura, B. Gordon, Torres, Smith between pipes, Biz still chirps and tweets

Pittsburgh Penguins: Bye Talbot – fans rebel, Sid’s still concussed but #1 selling jersey, Malkin’s knee is chewed but working,

San Jose Sharks: Extend Setoguchi contract, trade him next day, get Burns/Havlat/Handzus/C. White, McGinn and Couture share bro hug heard ’round the world

St. Louis Blues: Say goodbye to Janssen, Arnott and Langenbrunner reunited, Oshie trains in MN again, Perron still seeing stars,

Tampa Bay Lightning: Stamkos for 5 more, St. Louis = Nicest guy in NHL, Pick up Tom Pyatt, Gervais, Picard, Gilroy, Shannon, Ritola, Nate-o gets new tooth

Toronto Maple Leafs: Take half the Preds, let go of the Miraculous Brenter, this is our year, right?

Vancouver Canucks: Can’t spell Selke without Kesler, licked wounds, got stitched up, no major trades, Rest in Peace, Rick Rypien.

Washington Capitals: Sign Brouwer/Ward/Hamrlik/Vokoun,Halpern’s back,Carlson plays soccer,Green in loafers/cowboy hats all summer,Ovi tweets about chicken wings

There you have it! I’m sure I’ll edit it about 20 times this weekend. Feel free to comment things I missed/were more important. I want a comprehensive list 😉

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About sunnyinnj

Female hockey fans are often referred to as "puck bunnies" and unfairly judged. As a female hockey fan with a desire to always learn more about the sport, I have an interest in any and all facets of the sport. I would like to write stories that appeal to female hockey fans who are not watching because the players are hot and look good in suits (that is a plus). My heart belongs to the Flyers but I have interest in players/teams all over the league. I know what it’s like being a new fan to the sport and having to hold your own with people who have been immersed in the game longer than I’ve been alive. Take a deep breath, it’s okay, we’ll get through this together. I don’t promise expertise, but I do hope to impart upon you my love for this “figure skating in a war zone” and create fans where there once weren’t and turn casual interest into all-out love. I am in this committed relationship with hockey and I do not foresee it ending anytime soon.

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